I started this blog a week or two ago, and it took me until now to write in it. Truth is, I don't like to talk about my personal business, but I think this will help me through everything I'm going through, have been through, and will face. A therapy, if you will...I'm seeking counsel in blogging.
I'm not going to go into the background of everything, because to me that's boring, I'm not trying to bore myself, I don't even know if anyone even will read this...and quite frankly, I don't care if anyone does, because I'm doing this for me, to get things out. I just need to put things out there instead of constantly holding them in, acting like everything is hunky dorey, when in reality it isn't.
I guess the first and most dire of my problems is depression. Since the accident, I have sunken into a deeper and deeper depression. Yes, I am on medication for it, and we (my doctor and I) are still trying to find the right dosage for that. Positive is what I am used to, but lately it seems so hard to be. But today, for the first time in a long time, I had a lovely reunion with my old pal, Motivation. As corny as that sounds it was a huge relief to finally have that feeling again of actually wanting to do something. I painted, today and yesterday, my Christmas village, it's been put off for a long time for one reason or another. Something I can look at for years to come and say "hey, I did that".
Another problem, that might be more obvious to people is my weight. Since the accident I have lost exactly 15 pounds. I was thin to begin with. I did not do this intentionally, although there will always be those people that try to come up with their own stories. With all the pain medications, depression medication, muscle relaxers, etc, etc, I have had zero appetite, and all in all, I've lost a lot of weight. I still don't have an appetite, I eat about one meal a day (usually dinner), and snack throughout the day. Don't get me wrong, I'm not starving myself, I DO snack, apples, pretzels, cereal, I just have to push myself to do so because I don't have the sensation of hunger at all. I've maintained my weight for awhile now, so I wont be losing anymore, but likely staying the same weight (unless I get some horrible flu, which would just be awful on top of the rest of the crap this year has handed me).
My dogs are my best friends, and my parents. I can't thank them enough for how much they've helped me through everything (my brother too). While every time I asked for help I felt like such a burden on them, they reassured me that I was not.
Things are getting better (I hope) I am considered an insomniac now, and we (again my doctor and I) are trying to find help for that as well. Since it's seemingly not related to my depression but rather a result of the trauma, it is harder to manage, but not impossible. Everything will get better with time. That's what I tell myself anyway. Well I'm off for today, my dog daughter is cuddling my leg, and it's incredibly hard to resist cuddling her back.
Lots of love, and doggie hugs - Stephanie (the pirate)
P.S. Why am I Stephanie the pirate? I myself am not a pirate (or am I? hahaha), my ancestors on the other hand were. Not all of them, but some :o)) I am also OBSESSED with pirates. I love them. If there is a movie with pirates, I don't care if they are good guys or bad guys, I will always root for the pirates!
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