Just One Of Those Nights...

So I'm feeling particularly down tonight...I think it's loneliness more than anything. My life has changed dramatically since May...and I think it's normal to have down days when everything that has happened, happened. I can't even begin to put into words. Maybe I should try poetry? I don't remember much about poetry from college...it's been years since I took those courses. Poetry doesn't have to rhyme...does it even have to make sense? I'll try something....read on...

The beauty within does not reflect the image in the mirror
I can't help but think to myself "Why"
None of the pieces in the puzzle seem to match
None of this makes sense

Alright, maybe that sucks...I'm better at just being totally up front about things. I have nothing to hide...so why am I so reluctant to talk about things? My mind is constantly going, but I don't always put it into words. It would help I'm sure.

Well Saturday I'm going to get my hair cut. A trim, but I'm going shorter, an angled bob. It seems like I don't want any part of what was past. Who I was before May is not at all who I am now. It seems distant, like a past life. And in reality...it is. Never had I ever imagined this, or where I am. Everything has changed. Everything.

If I painted a picture to express my feelings inside it would be dark. Yes, I suffer from depression, yes it's severe. Am I going to hurt myself? No, but it doesn't make it any easier to face. People's opinions mean nothing to me now, and for that I am happy. I can finally live for myself, do what I enjoy, dress how I want, etc. There's too many people in this world who do things because they think it's how someone else would do something, or how someone else acts. Why live to please others? It's your life. Everyone is entitled to their own.

I know my blogs ramble a lot but the idea is to get thoughts out of my head, so I can sleep...maybe. Part of being an insomniac is having an overactive mind. I'm always thinking, I can't stop moving while I'm awake, and when I'm asleep, my dreams are vivid, strange. The mind doesn't stop. I need a mental break, to think about nothing at all, and relax. I wish that were easy or possible even. When I put my computer down, or whatever it is that I'm working on, I think about what I need to do, or what I could be doing, or what what what what. I can't just sit and think about nothing at all, and relax. It's so frustrating. Lately the Ambien hasn't been helping much. Sure I can fall asleep...after awhile...but I sleep for 3 or 4 hours then I'm up again. I don't really know what to do. My doctor keeps bringing up a counselor everytime I go to him, but I don't want to talk to a complete stranger about my life, what I've been through... So I confide in my blog, and a few close friends to talk about things with. It helps when I do.

Thank you to those who have listened to my troubles, I truly appreciate it. I can't help but to feel guilty when I have a down day, because I don't want to be one of those people who others label as negative. I guess it's only human. Just something else I need to work on.

Well it's off to rest my brain...or attempt..

I got nothin...Night